Worrying

Happy to see parents coming to KL, but i do know how to show them my real feeling, what i can do is just smile and look at them, and bringing them out to enjoy KL life style. Thanks for mom cook us nice dinner, thanks for dad being who helped mom carried those heavy things. So disappointed that my another youngest sister couldn't come together.

Actually i was feeling bad when i first saw dad, he look even weak than last time. To not making mom feel sad, i try to ignore it. Try to run away from mom topic of dad health condition. What i can do is only encourage mom pray more for dad, besides that do bringing hope and trust that dad will be heal completely.

Haix, God... i know u know my feeling, and u know also what am i thinking about, please carry on all my worries. And Lord.... my heart is crying, i do not know why?

how i hope my leader can know my feeling,

how i hope she can be with me when i need,

how i hope i can have someone to depend for...

God, teach me how to handle my own emotion, as i always counselling people but why now i cannot counselling myself....

LORD I AM ASKING FOR YOUR FORGIVEN

Life was so busy...

I do not know, whether who is right or wrong...

Just know that no matter right or wrong, as long as we know regret and know how to say sorry. Everything will become easier. Who shall say sorry to? To that person who u did something wrong on he/she? Or ....

To sat sorry to others is not an easy thing. People always feel difficult to say sorry, why? Because of feeling shy? or heart have certain unbalance? Ask God.... If u never did any wrong thing to u, so what to say sorry? Just a word of sorry can make everything different, can make change the worse.

Lord, i ask for your mercy.

I need a cheerful heart, comfort my heart so that i would not feel difficult to say sorry when the situation need. Lord, i pray that everyone also can get a peaceful heart when making any decision, pray that we would not be effected by satan's words. Most of time we cannot think carefully when we are angry, so God! please help us to control our mind and our anger. God, we need your wisdom and also your guidance in every moment. God, make become more and more like the only son, our savoir the Lord Jesus.

I am sorry to everyone that I am not that perfect in handling my own emotion,

sorry that I may cannot give an accurate confirmation when people needs,

I am sorry to my sister, jacemaine... For always cannot speak gentle to her, maybe i not a sister that u expect me to be...

I am sorry to my daddy for always impatiently to listen him,

I am sorry that I may feel angry when people always ask me for help,

I am sorry that I may always complain God,

I am sorry for a lot a lot of things.......

Lord, i surrender my everything to u again and again. because i know u are the only one can change in my wrong. because i know u are the only can guide me and help me. I thanks for you mercy and your grace.

I need God GUIDANCE.

Lord, I am crying every day, every night, every time…..

I hate doughnut, really hate it so much. My heart like doughnut; so empty inside there; unbelievable empty.

Crying make me feel tired, but should I do except crying out everything to you.

I really don’t know how to speak out my sadness.

Lord, not that I want to think too negative, it is life force me, is the worse situation force me.

Lord, you send a spiritual family, give me hope, make me depend on there, there I get love and learn to love others. But the same, I get a deep hurt from there as well.

Lord, unforeseen love, care, concern and support make sad, deeper and deeper sad.

Lord, is it my problem is too much make people around don’t know how to close with me; don’t know how to communicate with me?

Lord, I am carrying a lot of gifts; it is too heavy for me.

No matter how brave I am, how much faith I have, how much hope I put… it is always not enough for me to facing the GIANTS in front of me.

Lord, guide me; I am so lost in my way. I really don’t know how to be a daughter of parents, a sister for all younger brother and sister, a student at college, a senior for junior, a good believer for church.

给妈妈的信：

妈妈， 我从来没有抱怨过家里没给我什么，真的没抱怨过。

从小孤僻，所以不懂什么叫娱乐，这都是我自己的问题，真的不是家里环境的影响，我最大的娱乐就是看到别人因我而得到喜乐，所以我的心情是从别人身上而定的，而你们也是定我心情的主要人物。说得很对，有些时候真的很辛苦，很痛苦，恨无助，很无力。看见别人和自己差别很大，再加上别人的不谅解真的很难受。

总是有口难言的面对教会朋友，而他们的不谅解使自己开始感到孤单，总是让他们认为自己很软弱。告诉我，我真的很软弱吗？？诺可以软弱点那该多好，起码会感到舒服点吧，起码可以无顾虑的倾诉。

总是告诉自己要坚强，这样才能自持家人。说真的，我好想念牧师面对面地开导，但我无法向她开口，想念组长像以前一样的陪伴，但难言以对。现时让我无法像大家一样自由自在地过着每一天，请您相信我是孤单一个人面对家里所有的问题，我勇敢地面对着现时的事实。这一路来都是靠着上帝给的精神支助 ，全靠他我带着笑容度过每一天，读好自己的书，搞好自己的学业。爸爸妈妈弟弟妹妹都有我可哭诉，而我呢？谁来听我哭诉？我只有一个看不到却感觉得到的上帝可让我哭诉。全凭他的陪伴我度过那一度又一度的难关。是否很勇敢呢？真的很希望你们能像我一样勇敢地面对障碍。

妈妈，请您勇敢地为我们熬过这一关，好吗？

我深深地相信雨后会有晴朗的一天，无须为我感到担心，我比一般人还要坚强。因为我已看透了这有起有落的人生，也别让为我好可怜，其实一点也不可怜，只是那一点点地痛苦。相反地，我比别人还要幸福，因为我拥有家庭的真爱，这不是每个人都有的。。。

my heart words

三年来家里便开始出现了许多障碍，
自从信主后更多无法接受的障碍出现，
好多好多好多~~~
多得数不清。。。
好难接受这障碍。
爸爸妈妈弟弟妹妹身体突然遇到问题，
爸爸肾脏病，妈妈糖尿病严重影响视力，妹妹病开始反作用了，弟弟跟我又没事没事气喘，爸爸生意不顺，性格暴躁，常和妈妈争执，搞到妈妈常想不开。 妈妈的哭泣弟弟妹妹的恐惧使我好无助，真的很无助，再加上经济的逼迫，然我感到生活好压力，上帝呀！帮帮我，我好难受...
爸爸常抱怨，不肯吃药，让我们过着担心害怕的每一天， 害怕爸爸的离开，担心妈妈想不开。为了让他们更坚强，我不应许自己跌倒，从不应许放弃这两个字从口而出。问题一天比一天多，压力也一天比一天重。渴望上帝的帮助越多，失望也更多，越想得到的越无法得到它。爸爸的工人骗了一笔钱跑了，爸爸的捕鱼船撞到邻居的家，培了钱又搞到大家关系破破裂裂，吵吵闹闹地每一天。
上帝呀！我真的没有智慧去开解家人，无法再像以前一样那么乐观去面对每件事了，面对家人我需带着面具去开解他们，面对大家让我感到不平衡，真的很不平衡。渴望他人的命运，真的无法再等下去了，每天都感到很难受。感觉像气喘病发作时缺氧那种感受。每天都向上帝哭诉，使我感到可悲又孤单。无力的走着人生的每一步。
重复又重复地向自己说上帝爱我，他与我同在，痛苦时便拿自己与耶稣做比较，但安慰往往不是永恒的。。。
活着真累。。。

My negative thinking

Daddy, i am so suffer now a days, you know??
A lot of things I cant explain.
Inside the heart is so empty and helpless...

Feel like climbing on the big mountain, swimming on the super deep sea, walking on the very dark jungle...
I am breathless all my time, lost my way actually, but scare to fall down in front of people. Feel suffer to be strong, but I have no more choose, I must be like that, feel unbalance when people telling me that they are suffer, they are helpless, they are hopeless, they are sad, etc etc....

Wish to let them know, actually my heart like them also, but i no dare to speak out. They need people comfort, they need people help, need people concern, need people give them love and support them to go over come the challenges. There is a easier way for my to speak God words, i cannot let go the chances. But God, I am so tired.

Lord, i wish to have a people come to me and speak me God word also, but why so less people will know my need? Why my way always so lonely. Why I cannot see people that you send to me?

Lord, a lot "why" inside my heart.
My heart had broken.
there was a very big scar inside there, a big hurt inside.
Can tell me i get harm from where?

Lord, please speak to me... please
Guide me...

Cast your care

Casting all your care upon him; for he cares for you. (1 Peter 5:7)

Trust the Lord, he has great plan to all of us. In times, it may look like no way for us, but actually there have already a way which is we can’t see by our natural eyes. We always can’t see and know what the plan of God is. But by the faith of God there is nothing impossible. One day we will know that be faithful with our life has been planned by the Lord and everything will be fine, the life is always wonderful, because he is controlling.

No matter how bad on your situation, how bad on your life. He knows…

No matter how sad you are, how pain your heart. He knows also, yet he is painful than you.

Has you asked your parents: “ mama or papa, how you feel when I am in the troubles? How you feel when I am sad and helpless? How you feel when I am sick or harming by others? ” then how they answer your question?

The answer is their feeling is painful than you, even their physical sense is like nothing, but their mentally are helpless than you. They may not treat you like a little child, please don’t feel disappoint. It is because they want you grow. They wanted you to overcome the challenges.

Same thing, for our Lord; our heavenly father, He is helpless when we suffer in the troubles also, you may think that what’s wrong. He is the powerful one, why helpless? Don’t misunderstand, his helpless is because all the children can’t know the truth, he is trying the best to let all the people know he is controlled. He wishes to tell people that actually nothing to sad and fear or worry, but He can’t tell us too directly. The distance between our Father and us is too far away, though Jesus already tries his best to make a way for us to connect with our Father. People eyes always blind and their heart always confuse and struggle. Even the voice of God is louder enough for everyone to hear but they always can’t hear anything.

Would you like to have people chasing you down to meet your needs? Then next time you’re facing problem, give it to God. Let him be the one who’s concerned about it. He’s volunteered for the job and you can trust him to do it well. After all, He really does care for you.

Please make comparison between your life and Jesus life

I am sad, because people can’t understand me;

I am sad, because lack of acceptance;

I am sad, because people always reject me;

I am sad, because people always can’t notice me. They always don’t know how much I have been done for them.

I am sad, because no more people pay attention to me;

I am sad, because people don’t know my needs;

I am sad, because somebody does me wrong;

I am sad, why life is so bitterness;

I am sad, why I can’t have a good relationship with people;

I am sad, why this and that………

Unending complaining always come out from people mouth,

Self-pity makes people feel life very unmeaningful.

Have you list down all your complaint and make comparison with Jesus life?

I had done it before, actually just few weeks ago.

And I found that: “Oh my God, what so bitter on Jesus life”.

Suddenly my heart feels touch with what he has did for me.

When he feel sad and disappoint alone all the time;

What he do is always good for people, but people always reject him;

He did a lot for us, but whose know it? Is it all people treasure his love?

He willing to die for every one of us, but is it all people say he is great?

He create a lot of miracle for people, is it people say he is powerful?

He take care on everyone, is it he get good relationship with people?

Is it everyone accepts him and understands him?

Whose is going to comfort him when he is sad?

Why you so great Jesus you are. You have never complained with the life. I can’t imagine that this reality world having this kind of people who always concern on people yet never asking for reward. I really hope that I can show something to you. Wish to let you know I treasure your love. I am grateful with you, don’t want to make disappoint on you.

Give thanks to you all the time…..