I need God GUIDANCE.

Lord, I am crying every day, every night, every time…..

I hate doughnut, really hate it so much. My heart like doughnut; so empty inside there; unbelievable empty.

Crying make me feel tired, but should I do except crying out everything to you.

I really don’t know how to speak out my sadness.

Lord, not that I want to think too negative, it is life force me, is the worse situation force me.

Lord, you send a spiritual family, give me hope, make me depend on there, there I get love and learn to love others. But the same, I get a deep hurt from there as well.

Lord, unforeseen love, care, concern and support make sad, deeper and deeper sad.

Lord, is it my problem is too much make people around don’t know how to close with me; don’t know how to communicate with me?

Lord, I am carrying a lot of gifts; it is too heavy for me.

No matter how brave I am, how much faith I have, how much hope I put… it is always not enough for me to facing the GIANTS in front of me.

Lord, guide me; I am so lost in my way. I really don’t know how to be a daughter of parents, a sister for all younger brother and sister, a student at college, a senior for junior, a good believer for church.

给妈妈的信：

妈妈， 我从来没有抱怨过家里没给我什么，真的没抱怨过。

从小孤僻，所以不懂什么叫娱乐，这都是我自己的问题，真的不是家里环境的影响，我最大的娱乐就是看到别人因我而得到喜乐，所以我的心情是从别人身上而定的，而你们也是定我心情的主要人物。说得很对，有些时候真的很辛苦，很痛苦，恨无助，很无力。看见别人和自己差别很大，再加上别人的不谅解真的很难受。

总是有口难言的面对教会朋友，而他们的不谅解使自己开始感到孤单，总是让他们认为自己很软弱。告诉我，我真的很软弱吗？？诺可以软弱点那该多好，起码会感到舒服点吧，起码可以无顾虑的倾诉。

总是告诉自己要坚强，这样才能自持家人。说真的，我好想念牧师面对面地开导，但我无法向她开口，想念组长像以前一样的陪伴，但难言以对。现时让我无法像大家一样自由自在地过着每一天，请您相信我是孤单一个人面对家里所有的问题，我勇敢地面对着现时的事实。这一路来都是靠着上帝给的精神支助 ，全靠他我带着笑容度过每一天，读好自己的书，搞好自己的学业。爸爸妈妈弟弟妹妹都有我可哭诉，而我呢？谁来听我哭诉？我只有一个看不到却感觉得到的上帝可让我哭诉。全凭他的陪伴我度过那一度又一度的难关。是否很勇敢呢？真的很希望你们能像我一样勇敢地面对障碍。

妈妈，请您勇敢地为我们熬过这一关，好吗？

我深深地相信雨后会有晴朗的一天，无须为我感到担心，我比一般人还要坚强。因为我已看透了这有起有落的人生，也别让为我好可怜，其实一点也不可怜，只是那一点点地痛苦。相反地，我比别人还要幸福，因为我拥有家庭的真爱，这不是每个人都有的。。。

my heart words

三年来家里便开始出现了许多障碍，
自从信主后更多无法接受的障碍出现，
好多好多好多~~~
多得数不清。。。
好难接受这障碍。
爸爸妈妈弟弟妹妹身体突然遇到问题，
爸爸肾脏病，妈妈糖尿病严重影响视力，妹妹病开始反作用了，弟弟跟我又没事没事气喘，爸爸生意不顺，性格暴躁，常和妈妈争执，搞到妈妈常想不开。 妈妈的哭泣弟弟妹妹的恐惧使我好无助，真的很无助，再加上经济的逼迫，然我感到生活好压力，上帝呀！帮帮我，我好难受...
爸爸常抱怨，不肯吃药，让我们过着担心害怕的每一天， 害怕爸爸的离开，担心妈妈想不开。为了让他们更坚强，我不应许自己跌倒，从不应许放弃这两个字从口而出。问题一天比一天多，压力也一天比一天重。渴望上帝的帮助越多，失望也更多，越想得到的越无法得到它。爸爸的工人骗了一笔钱跑了，爸爸的捕鱼船撞到邻居的家，培了钱又搞到大家关系破破裂裂，吵吵闹闹地每一天。
上帝呀！我真的没有智慧去开解家人，无法再像以前一样那么乐观去面对每件事了，面对家人我需带着面具去开解他们，面对大家让我感到不平衡，真的很不平衡。渴望他人的命运，真的无法再等下去了，每天都感到很难受。感觉像气喘病发作时缺氧那种感受。每天都向上帝哭诉，使我感到可悲又孤单。无力的走着人生的每一步。
重复又重复地向自己说上帝爱我，他与我同在，痛苦时便拿自己与耶稣做比较，但安慰往往不是永恒的。。。
活着真累。。。

My negative thinking

Daddy, i am so suffer now a days, you know??
A lot of things I cant explain.
Inside the heart is so empty and helpless...

Feel like climbing on the big mountain, swimming on the super deep sea, walking on the very dark jungle...
I am breathless all my time, lost my way actually, but scare to fall down in front of people. Feel suffer to be strong, but I have no more choose, I must be like that, feel unbalance when people telling me that they are suffer, they are helpless, they are hopeless, they are sad, etc etc....

Wish to let them know, actually my heart like them also, but i no dare to speak out. They need people comfort, they need people help, need people concern, need people give them love and support them to go over come the challenges. There is a easier way for my to speak God words, i cannot let go the chances. But God, I am so tired.

Lord, i wish to have a people come to me and speak me God word also, but why so less people will know my need? Why my way always so lonely. Why I cannot see people that you send to me?

Lord, a lot "why" inside my heart.
My heart had broken.
there was a very big scar inside there, a big hurt inside.
Can tell me i get harm from where?

Lord, please speak to me... please
Guide me...